Yet another one of my late night Monday Musing sessions that got me thinking about this recent tweet I just sent out. It reads, “That empty chilling feeling that runs from your thoughts to your heart…” I tweeted that out on a quite introspective night and simply wondered if I was the only one who had felt this sort of sensation time and time again. For context, everything was going pretty well and smoothly for me at that specific moment in time. Yet, in spite of the favorable circumstances, I felt a grand void that caused me to feel “cold” inside and wondering what more could be done.

That’s where the concept of fulfillment came to mind. No matter the age or circumstance, fulfillment has been easily one of the most elusive states for me personally on a variety of different levels. While it can be perceived positively for the more ambitious and short-term oriented mind, it is a feeling that eats away at you and makes you succumb to a cave of isolation. That’s where some of you may have seen on Snapchat my relating to G-Eazy one night to just “cope” with a lot of messed up, cold shit by listening to this and more recently, I got really hyped in a similar type of mood for his new upcoming album with this cover song. Sometimes you just have to simply enjoy the chilling silence to get to the root of things I guess. I’ve come to find silence and the stillness that comes with it to be a nice sanctuary to sort things out in the messy jungle that is day-to-day life.

The empty cold sensation is twofold in its vicious grip on your being. First, the emptiness that pervades your body feels like some upside down monster eating you alive from Stranger Things or something. What this ultimately told me, and is likely true for a majority of the global population I assume, is there’s a lack of focused direction and purpose in action on a consistent and disciplined basis. It’s funny and weird to think about how much I’ve emphasized the goal of finding personal purpose in my previous posts but how hard it is to sometimes see it unfold in consistent action much more than the physical nature of the mere thought of it. That’s where I find the biggest bullshit in most people and their ship’s course — even I will call myself out on this publicly right now for not living up to my own words all the time. Fortunately for me, I will be utilizing this upcoming winter/spring of 2018 to work on a long overdue desired side project (or I guess main project if you factor in the fact that I’ll be graduated by the end of 2017 lol) that I’ve shared with only a few of my close friends to put the brakes on the thoughts and just accelerate on the action. Stay tuned for that if you’re interested.

Second, and more difficult to really assess in the infant stages, is where you feel this overbearing chill that causes despair and pain. With this cold feeling spilling from your thoughts to the core of it all in your heart spells out one thing and one thing alone: sad uneasiness that leads to a paralyzing of the mind. No warmth means little to be quite energetically happy about and that can be a dangerous supplement to the emptiness that is already gnawing at you. Imagine drinking a hot ass cup of green tea and then lying in bed to feel the warmth of that drink dissipate in an instant from that empty chilling feeling. That was what happened to me on one odd night. In the midst of that moment, time just seems to flash before your very eyes in a way unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

When that sensation hits, you feel the true power and humility in just not being able to speak but to mentally verbalize everything. There is a gravity to the sound of silence that truly captivates you. As mentioned earlier, you find yourself sorting through your personal weeds. What you ultimately find in that process is only for you to know and hold on to. However, I found that the driving force in getting to that “place” is your scarred weapon. Your most “filling and warm” sensation stems from that emotional stimulus that created your personal scarred weapon. The real issue with not being able to continuously feed into that space is the fact that it usually stems from the longing for attaining a super idealistic and lofty state of being that many, including yourself, just totally dismiss.

Fortunately, you have a credible source who is going to back you up on this issue when deciding what the hell to do. It’s not me, just for the short-time being though hopefully, but my man Will Smith would tell you:

“Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity. Why would you be realistic? What’s the point of being realistic? I’m going to do it. It’s done. It’s already done. The second I decide it’s done, it’s already done.”

The really funny thing with individuals such as Will Smith and Kobe Bryant that I’ve looked up to and admired for a long time is that they envision an extremely lofty goal/pursuit for excellence that, once likely to be too idealistic, becomes the most realistic thing ever. This stems from both of their respective scarred weapons of being cheated on in high school to then wanting to become the most famous entertainer on Earth so that never happens again as a result for Will and moving around a lot as a kid and letting this anger and rage of seeking out acceptance through basketball unleash into the desire to become the best basketball player ever for Kobe. Sure, the only “secret ingredient” for these two gentleman is the fact that they work ridiculously hard to the boundary between life and death. However, as from my own experience, the key to this “hard work” is having gone through that empty chilling feeling to give color to your driving force in that scarred weapon. You’ll know it and feel it when the time is right. Embrace that cold void, listen to some good music while you’re at it to get you fired up, and charge along forward through your rebirth.